The power of my tears

Tears are often seen as a sign of weakness - "brave girls don't cry.  Keep your chin up - no tears now - cowboys don't cry".

I was someone who never cried - I mean never - you could berate me, hurt me and even abuse me and I would withdraw into a part of me that was hard and cold.

I was described as unfeeling, unemotional, hard like stone by strangers and friends alike.  People who professed to know me well also attested to the fact that I never cried.  

Defense mechanism?

Upbringing?

Society?

While I do not ever remember crying as a younger person I did have a wide range of emotions.  Destructive, dark and downright dangerous at times.  Mood swings were my best friend, introverted, shy and hard.  Years and years of walls and shields erected all around me.  Never allowing anyone in or even close.  Physically unable to reach out and touch someone.  Not given to shows of affection.

Deep down inside I knew and could even acknowledge that this was not healthy behavior, however I was helpless to help myself.  Unable to verbalize my feelings, my hurt, my pain I just drew further and further into my own darkness.  It became comfortable to show no emotion. It became my trademark.  Stoic woman - no histrionics, no tears, every man's dream.  No drama no shit.  You knew where you stood and it was always dry!

How strange then when the taps opened one unexpected day.  What was the trigger? Was there even one or was it a culmination and combination of many things?  What pushed me from the arid dessert into the waves of emotion and and ocean of tears that washed over me, tugging me under, picking me up and throwing me down, over and over again until exhausted all I could do was lie there and float.

Float in the expanse of this emotion.  The saltiness of the tears.  The pain in my chest.  The lump in my throat.  The inability to once again verbalize - my mouth was dry, parched, but my face was wet.

Did I come out of the darkness into the light?  Were things easier?  Was my life suddenly lighter and more fulfilled?

Definitely not.  In fact things got harder.  People were shocked.  This wet, soaking mess was not something they could deal with.  This strong woman crumpled and broken before them.  Unexplained shows of emotion.  Tears welling in her eyes.  Tissues ever present in her hand.  The world had gone mad and they were powerless to help.

Slowly things got better.  I managed to choke back tears.  I became an expert at leaving the room at just the right time.  I explored this world of tears.  I started to understand that tears are cleansing.  Tears allow you to feel.  Tears make you feel alive.  Tears allow you to empathize and feel passion.  Tears show you care.  Tears are liberating.

I became stronger as my tears became part of me.  I was once again in control of my emotions - in fact I was more in control than I had ever been before.  I was stronger, clearer in my vision and more focussed.  I was able to feel other people's pain, frustrations, bitterness and disappointments  and it felt good.  I was able to share in their joy, their happinesses and their successes and all the time I was being filled.  The fuller my heart got the more my tears fell and my eyes overflowed.

Today, I would like to believe that my tears have given me a strength I never possessed before.  There is a new power in my tears.  There is an renewed understanding of what I stand for.  I am at peace with myself.  Now I look for opportunities to cry.  To feel the cleansing refreshing power of my tears.  They revitalize  me.  They give me reason to smile and laugh.  They set me free and give me a voice I never had.

Have you discovered the power of your tears yet?

Trip of a lifetime - Cape Town here we come.....

For some 40 young people from the De Vlei Home Child Care Centre in Diepsloot and Thuthukani Care Centre Ivory Park, Sunday, 22nd September 2013 was a day to remember for the rest of their lives.

 

Braving the cold winter morning at 05h30 I could not help smile as the exuberant youngsters clambered out of the taxi with their belongings clutched tightly to their chests, excitement glowing in their eyes and broad smiles as they spotted the bus that was going to take them to Cape Town.

 

They crowded around me as I took photographs and asked them what they were expecting.  The air was shrill with their laughter and shrieks as they posed for photographs and shoved to get close to me.  "We will be there in 4 hours and we will swim in the sea" - the enthusiasm was contagious!  

 

Under the auspices of Thandanani, a charity organisation, that  provides assistance to orphans and children infected and affected by AIDS, they were able to undertake a bus trip to Cape Town.

 

Thandanani provides much needed relief for many abused children and assists with food parcels, clothing and educational excursions.

 

After consideration by the CSI Committee, we were happy to be able to sponsor Thandanani with a chest freezer.  This will assist Thandanani to store food that they receive from other donors until its ready to be distributed to needy homes. 

A small gesture, however as Ruth from Thandanani confirms "it will help so much because now we will be able to help more homes and more children because up until now we have not been able to accept all donations because we have not had anywhere to keep the food fresh".  

 

As part of the excursion, we also donated jeans, t-shirts and shoes to each of the children.  "This is the first time I have something new - thank you" beamed a young Simphiwe as he shyly thanked me for his new clothes.

GASTRONOMICAL EXTRAVAGANZA 30 000 FEET IN THE AIR

I found myself being prodded in the small of my back the whole way down the aisle of the SAA Boeing 737, by a very eager lady who was obviously very keen to get to her seat - which just happened to be the one right next to mine!

Much grunting and groaning later she managed to install herself and her numerous bags into the middle seat with husband in tow.

Take off was uneventful and I had just settled in when the dinner service commenced. My travel companions proceeded to tuck in with much gusto and delight - amid much slurping and enjoyment  she leaned down and extracted a bag of goodies from the bag beneath her seat.  Her husband literally squealed with anticipation and could not wait to get his hands on the bag of "yuyu" - the best I could make out they looked like steamed chicken legs on the bone with skin still on........by this time I was literally sitting with my mouth wide open watching the feasting of the masses.  I discreetly tried to see what they were enjoying with their standard airplane fare but to no avail - take a yuyu, chew, suck and spit out the little pieces......

Just when I thought it was safe to avert my eyes, out popped a thermos flask and much to my dismay hot milky coffee sprayed all over the seats and my lap.  Unfazed my neighbors licked up the spill and proceeded to pour and enjoy their coffee.

By now I had made peace with the fact that there was no way out of this - being stuck in the corner 30 000 feet in the air!!!!!!

My travel companions' enthusiastic approach to their meal was being echoed across the aircraft - little goodie bags were being unpacked and fruit, nuts and tea were being selected ........all accompanied by the delightful chatter that accompanies oriental tourists the world over.  I have always been reminded of birds when caught in a crowd of camera toting tourists -  exotic, incessant chatter and voracious appetites.

Copious amounts of nuts and fruits were consumed on the flight and I am certain that a good time was had by all and sundry - the satisfied smiles and grunts of pleasure were a dead give away, and if that does not convince you then the nose blowing, throat clearing, hawking, removal of shoes and general settling in for the night definitely will .......  make yourself right at home why don't you?