The power of my tears

Tears are often seen as a sign of weakness - "brave girls don't cry.  Keep your chin up - no tears now - cowboys don't cry".

I was someone who never cried - I mean never - you could berate me, hurt me and even abuse me and I would withdraw into a part of me that was hard and cold.

I was described as unfeeling, unemotional, hard like stone by strangers and friends alike.  People who professed to know me well also attested to the fact that I never cried.  

Defense mechanism?

Upbringing?

Society?

While I do not ever remember crying as a younger person I did have a wide range of emotions.  Destructive, dark and downright dangerous at times.  Mood swings were my best friend, introverted, shy and hard.  Years and years of walls and shields erected all around me.  Never allowing anyone in or even close.  Physically unable to reach out and touch someone.  Not given to shows of affection.

Deep down inside I knew and could even acknowledge that this was not healthy behavior, however I was helpless to help myself.  Unable to verbalize my feelings, my hurt, my pain I just drew further and further into my own darkness.  It became comfortable to show no emotion. It became my trademark.  Stoic woman - no histrionics, no tears, every man's dream.  No drama no shit.  You knew where you stood and it was always dry!

How strange then when the taps opened one unexpected day.  What was the trigger? Was there even one or was it a culmination and combination of many things?  What pushed me from the arid dessert into the waves of emotion and and ocean of tears that washed over me, tugging me under, picking me up and throwing me down, over and over again until exhausted all I could do was lie there and float.

Float in the expanse of this emotion.  The saltiness of the tears.  The pain in my chest.  The lump in my throat.  The inability to once again verbalize - my mouth was dry, parched, but my face was wet.

Did I come out of the darkness into the light?  Were things easier?  Was my life suddenly lighter and more fulfilled?

Definitely not.  In fact things got harder.  People were shocked.  This wet, soaking mess was not something they could deal with.  This strong woman crumpled and broken before them.  Unexplained shows of emotion.  Tears welling in her eyes.  Tissues ever present in her hand.  The world had gone mad and they were powerless to help.

Slowly things got better.  I managed to choke back tears.  I became an expert at leaving the room at just the right time.  I explored this world of tears.  I started to understand that tears are cleansing.  Tears allow you to feel.  Tears make you feel alive.  Tears allow you to empathize and feel passion.  Tears show you care.  Tears are liberating.

I became stronger as my tears became part of me.  I was once again in control of my emotions - in fact I was more in control than I had ever been before.  I was stronger, clearer in my vision and more focussed.  I was able to feel other people's pain, frustrations, bitterness and disappointments  and it felt good.  I was able to share in their joy, their happinesses and their successes and all the time I was being filled.  The fuller my heart got the more my tears fell and my eyes overflowed.

Today, I would like to believe that my tears have given me a strength I never possessed before.  There is a new power in my tears.  There is an renewed understanding of what I stand for.  I am at peace with myself.  Now I look for opportunities to cry.  To feel the cleansing refreshing power of my tears.  They revitalize  me.  They give me reason to smile and laugh.  They set me free and give me a voice I never had.

Have you discovered the power of your tears yet?